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the_bookshelves and I are in a pact that requires us to each post a piece of writing per week. In her case, I think it'll be a chapter in a longer story. In my case, though, it'll probably be short stories (new or newly-edited), for the most part. If I have no writing, then I will post a piece of bad poetry for y'all to laugh at. But I'm going to post something, anything, each week.
A dialogue scene popped into my head the other day, and I decided to turn it into a story snippit. It turned out fairly well considering I was half-loaded when I wrote it, and it only needed minimal editing to make it readable now that I'm sober.
Anyway, here it is. I'll save my ramblings for afterward.
Complications (Vignette, 700 words)
It was a moment or two before Jeff could respond, but he figured it was worth the wait.
“You what?”
“I got a pregnancy test,” she said, taking the time to pronounce the term as though she’d only ever heard it on TV commercials.
“Why?”
She shrugged. “Why do you think?”
“Wait, wait, wait,” he said, waving her off while he tried to set his mind in motion. “You’re not pregnant.”
“Well,” she said, scuffing her feet on the tile floor, “I don’t think I am, but –”
“You wouldn’t have bought the test.”
“Huh?”
“You wouldn’t have bought the test unless you thought you were pregnant.”
That stalled her. “I…” she trailed off for a second and put her hand to her forehead. “Look, Jeff, I just thought –”
“Thought what? That it’d be a good idea? No, Lissy. You’re not taking that test.”
“What?”
“I said,” Jeff repeated, leaning in for emphasis, “you’re not taking that test.”
“B… why?” she sputtered.
“You’re not taking it.” He knew it didn’t make any sense. He knew that not taking it wouldn’t mean that she wasn’t pregnant. But damn it all, he did not want to find out that answer.
Lissy didn’t say anything for a minute. Jeff wasn’t looking at her. He was focused on a spot on the wall, a little ways to the left of that picture of a boy and his dog that his mother had won at auction a few years back –
“I already took it.”
Jeff blinked, then looked at her. “… You what?”
Her eyes found the floor. “I already took it,” she repeated quietly.
Jeff swore. “Why didn’t you say so? Why the hell didn’t you say you’d just taken the damn test?”
“I don’t know! I thought… I don’t know, I thought you’d –”
“Shut up,” he said, immediately regretting it for the look on her face. He let out a sigh. “Fine, whatever, so you already took it. I don’t –”
“It says I am.”
Jeff’s breath caught in his throat. He let it out with a cough. “… You are?”
“Yeah.” Jeff stole a glance at her and saw that her eyes were shimmering with almost-spilt tears. She tried to hold them back by talking. She always talked too much. “I’m sorry, Jeff, I shoulda told you, but you had to go to work last night and I didn’t want you thinking about it all that time, and -”
“Liss.”
She stopped and stuck her fingers in her mouth. She’d sucked on her fingers when she was nervous ever since she was a kid. Jeff didn’t say anything for a minute. Somewhere he heard a sink dripping.
Her voice was so quiet. “Are you mad?”
Jeff met her eyes then, but only for a second before he found himself wrapping her up in a hug. “Liss, no. I’m sorry, no, I’m just… scared.”
She tried to say something, but it was swallowed up by a fit of tears. Jeff just held onto her, his mind still reeling. She was pregnant. He hadn’t even thought about this. He wasn’t ready for this.
But she needs me.
“Liss,” he said, coaxing her back from him a little so he could meet her gaze. Her eyes were red and she was sniffing hard. “Look,” he continued, “I’m gonna stick with you, okay? I’m here for you, I promise.”
“Thanks,” she said, stifling a cough and squeezing out a little smile. “I knew I could count on you, JJ.”
“I promise,” he said again, and for some wild reason he felt like he knew, for the first time in his life, what unconditional love really meant. “You know I mean it, Lissy. I love ya.”
She started to cry again, so he wrapped her up in his arms and held her for a while, rubbing her back when sobs wracked her shoulders. Finally she found her voice again. “I love you too, bro… but what are we going to tell mom and dad?”
---
So there you go. Now, here are my ramblings about the intent of the piece, the characters, and all that fun stuff.
Obviously, I'm not aiming for high art, here. I had a silly idea about writing a misleading story that twists the reader's perception at the end. Whether or not I achieved that is up to you. Did it work? If not, why? What would you suggest I do, were I suddenly to become obsessed with this piece of writing and dedicated to making it really awesome/neat/fun/interesting/actually good?
I'm going for a young-ish age here. Not little kids, but definitely not full-fledged adults. I'm not thrilled with either character, especially the girl. I usually write scarily competent, smart, awesome female characters, so I think I intended to make her a little less strong, but I'm not sure I like the result. I think the best way to describe what I wanted out of her was "sweet, but a little slow on the uptake". What would you suggest to improve that? How well did the characters' age come across?
How does the dialogue feel? I tend to focus on it, and I try to let characters express themselves pretty thoroughly through what they say, so I'd especially appreciate feedback on this. What do you like? What do you hate? Are the voices distinct?
And the big question, here - who is the baby's father? I had originally intended for it to be an incest twist thing, just to screw with y'all, but now I'm not so sure. So, you tell me. Which way did it strike you? Or if it's ambiguous, should I leave it that way, or make it lean more distinctly one way or the other?
Anyway, if you're not up for the in-depth analysis, that's fine. Just reading it is okay, too. ;-) But I'd love to know if you did, so please drop a comment.
the_bookshelves! Hurry up and update with your chapter!
the_bookshelves and I are in a pact that requires us to each post a piece of writing per week. In her case, I think it'll be a chapter in a longer story. In my case, though, it'll probably be short stories (new or newly-edited), for the most part. If I have no writing, then I will post a piece of bad poetry for y'all to laugh at. But I'm going to post something, anything, each week.A dialogue scene popped into my head the other day, and I decided to turn it into a story snippit. It turned out fairly well considering I was half-loaded when I wrote it, and it only needed minimal editing to make it readable now that I'm sober.
Anyway, here it is. I'll save my ramblings for afterward.
Complications (Vignette, 700 words)
It was a moment or two before Jeff could respond, but he figured it was worth the wait.
“You what?”
“I got a pregnancy test,” she said, taking the time to pronounce the term as though she’d only ever heard it on TV commercials.
“Why?”
She shrugged. “Why do you think?”
“Wait, wait, wait,” he said, waving her off while he tried to set his mind in motion. “You’re not pregnant.”
“Well,” she said, scuffing her feet on the tile floor, “I don’t think I am, but –”
“You wouldn’t have bought the test.”
“Huh?”
“You wouldn’t have bought the test unless you thought you were pregnant.”
That stalled her. “I…” she trailed off for a second and put her hand to her forehead. “Look, Jeff, I just thought –”
“Thought what? That it’d be a good idea? No, Lissy. You’re not taking that test.”
“What?”
“I said,” Jeff repeated, leaning in for emphasis, “you’re not taking that test.”
“B… why?” she sputtered.
“You’re not taking it.” He knew it didn’t make any sense. He knew that not taking it wouldn’t mean that she wasn’t pregnant. But damn it all, he did not want to find out that answer.
Lissy didn’t say anything for a minute. Jeff wasn’t looking at her. He was focused on a spot on the wall, a little ways to the left of that picture of a boy and his dog that his mother had won at auction a few years back –
“I already took it.”
Jeff blinked, then looked at her. “… You what?”
Her eyes found the floor. “I already took it,” she repeated quietly.
Jeff swore. “Why didn’t you say so? Why the hell didn’t you say you’d just taken the damn test?”
“I don’t know! I thought… I don’t know, I thought you’d –”
“Shut up,” he said, immediately regretting it for the look on her face. He let out a sigh. “Fine, whatever, so you already took it. I don’t –”
“It says I am.”
Jeff’s breath caught in his throat. He let it out with a cough. “… You are?”
“Yeah.” Jeff stole a glance at her and saw that her eyes were shimmering with almost-spilt tears. She tried to hold them back by talking. She always talked too much. “I’m sorry, Jeff, I shoulda told you, but you had to go to work last night and I didn’t want you thinking about it all that time, and -”
“Liss.”
She stopped and stuck her fingers in her mouth. She’d sucked on her fingers when she was nervous ever since she was a kid. Jeff didn’t say anything for a minute. Somewhere he heard a sink dripping.
Her voice was so quiet. “Are you mad?”
Jeff met her eyes then, but only for a second before he found himself wrapping her up in a hug. “Liss, no. I’m sorry, no, I’m just… scared.”
She tried to say something, but it was swallowed up by a fit of tears. Jeff just held onto her, his mind still reeling. She was pregnant. He hadn’t even thought about this. He wasn’t ready for this.
But she needs me.
“Liss,” he said, coaxing her back from him a little so he could meet her gaze. Her eyes were red and she was sniffing hard. “Look,” he continued, “I’m gonna stick with you, okay? I’m here for you, I promise.”
“Thanks,” she said, stifling a cough and squeezing out a little smile. “I knew I could count on you, JJ.”
“I promise,” he said again, and for some wild reason he felt like he knew, for the first time in his life, what unconditional love really meant. “You know I mean it, Lissy. I love ya.”
She started to cry again, so he wrapped her up in his arms and held her for a while, rubbing her back when sobs wracked her shoulders. Finally she found her voice again. “I love you too, bro… but what are we going to tell mom and dad?”
---
So there you go. Now, here are my ramblings about the intent of the piece, the characters, and all that fun stuff.
Obviously, I'm not aiming for high art, here. I had a silly idea about writing a misleading story that twists the reader's perception at the end. Whether or not I achieved that is up to you. Did it work? If not, why? What would you suggest I do, were I suddenly to become obsessed with this piece of writing and dedicated to making it really awesome/neat/fun/interesting/actually good?
I'm going for a young-ish age here. Not little kids, but definitely not full-fledged adults. I'm not thrilled with either character, especially the girl. I usually write scarily competent, smart, awesome female characters, so I think I intended to make her a little less strong, but I'm not sure I like the result. I think the best way to describe what I wanted out of her was "sweet, but a little slow on the uptake". What would you suggest to improve that? How well did the characters' age come across?
How does the dialogue feel? I tend to focus on it, and I try to let characters express themselves pretty thoroughly through what they say, so I'd especially appreciate feedback on this. What do you like? What do you hate? Are the voices distinct?
And the big question, here - who is the baby's father? I had originally intended for it to be an incest twist thing, just to screw with y'all, but now I'm not so sure. So, you tell me. Which way did it strike you? Or if it's ambiguous, should I leave it that way, or make it lean more distinctly one way or the other?
Anyway, if you're not up for the in-depth analysis, that's fine. Just reading it is okay, too. ;-) But I'd love to know if you did, so please drop a comment.
the_bookshelves! Hurry up and update with your chapter!
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Date: 2005-05-24 06:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-31 07:47 am (UTC)